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Squaura Reading© 2001 GT <gt@dreamsmith.org> A squaura is the psychic energy field that surrounds a squirrel. Some people see squauras as colors, and those colors reveal something of the internal state of the squirrel in question. For the benefit of those individuals, I do hereby present the Practical Guide to Squaura Reading, written by a hermit in hiding who does not want to be identified for safety reasons, but who insists he is not actually paranoid and the squirrels really are out to get him. Author's note on pronoun usage: "him or her" gets cumbersome after a while, so I just use one or the other. A use of "him" should not be taken to exclude "her", and vice versa. (In fact, a "her" is generally implied when a "him" is being used. And vice versa, of course.) [Editor's note on the previous note: it has been suggested that the author is subtly implying something that has nothing to do with pronoun usage in the previous note, particularly in the parenthetical comment. The author wishes to clarify: "There are absolutely no subtle implications in the paragraph in question." And I don't see how there could be; the author couldn't even answer the question without asking the definition of "subtle". Clearly such artifice is beyond him. Hope that clears things up. -- Ed.]
Pure Spectral Colors Red: Often indicates anger. One with a red squaura is apt to throw acorns at the heads of people passing by. Can also indicate amorousness. Two squirrels with red squauras can often be seen chasing one another around; frequently both types of red squaura are being displayed in these cases. Orange: Friendly, tame, approachable. Probably not a killer squirrel.[1] Yellow: Thinking; usually trying hard to remember the location of a previously buried nut. The trend towards miniaturization in computers (witness Palm PDAs) is probably due to the influence of squirrels on human engineers to create computers they can use for maintaining a proper database of nut types and locations. Green: Healthy and balanced. Possibly conniving. Never trust a calm squirrel -- she has something on you. Cyan: Lucky. This squirrel should probably have been run over a dozen times, but always manages to be in just the right place to avoid tires. The laws of probability are stretched to the breaking point in this squirrel's vicinity. Sometimes attempts to observe them cause them to simply wink out of existence, due to the nature of squantum physics. They reappear later in unlikely places, like inside your house despite a lack of open doors or windows. This is known as a squantum leap. Blue: Calm and confident. This squirrel has it together, knows where his nuts are, knows where to run to if danger approaches, and is generally ready to handle any situation. Likely to be run over soon. Violet: Sensitive and focused, but not necessarily on the world around her. Likely to be run over soon. Mixed Colors Purple: A combination of blue and red, this squirrel is both angry at the world and calmly confident. Almost definitely a member of the squirrel conspiracy.[2] Pink: See red, but the energy of that state is being diffused; the squirrel is calming down. This may be a Zen squirrel, using meditation to calm and balance himself, or he may simply have recently satisfied his angry or amorous feelings. Thus, unless he's scored recently, he's probably just murdered someone -- don't let on that you know or he may think you're a witness and try to eliminate you as well. Gold: A squirrel that has achieved the highest level of spiritual enlightenment. Possibly a squodhisattva. Likely to be run over soon, but will not be reincarnated and will instead achieve Squirvana. Brown: A squirrel with troubled thoughts. Think MacBeth or Hamlet with a bushy tail. Lime Green: A normally green squirrel, but under a lot of stress at the moment. Being a squirrel is actually very stressful, what with all the problems of keeping track of where hundreds of different nuts are buried, avoiding possible predators, and either planning the downfall of mankind or avoiding the squirrel conspiracy's death squads of genetically engineered killer squirrels. Black: If it's a flat black, simply nothing getting out, it indicates total absorption, and this is probably a psychic vampire squirrel. If it's more of a grey or a metallic black, it indicates powerful shielding; this is a probably a squadept[3] who simply does not want to be noticed, bothered, or scanned. Anti-cyan: These look like cyan squirrels, but in fact they are the anti-squirrel equivalent. Capable of the same feats of squantum physics as cyan squirrels, but unlucky rather than lucky -- they tend to be run over easily, squantum leap to their deaths, and so on. Thus, a live anti-cyan squirrel is extremely rare. And a good thing, too. If a cyan and anti-cyan squirrel meet, they are mutually annihilated in a burst of pure energy. The Tunguska Explosion in 1908 is believed by some to be due to such an event.
Footnotes: 1. African honey bees are called "killer bees" not because their sting is any more lethal, but simply because of their hyper-aggressiveness. I have a friend, a recent immigrant to Minnesota, who told me of the time back in Tennessee when he stopped his car to prevent running over a squirrel, only to have the squirrel leap onto his windshield and repeatedly attempt to attack him, biting at the windshield. He also says a friend of his from Tennessee reported the same thing. [Note: This is a true story!] I expect "killer squirrels" will become a big news item in the next few years, after a chance encounter with a motorist in a convertible leads to the first fatal attack. If you're driving through Tennessee, beware... 
2. Have you ever noticed a squirrel safely crossing the road by running across a squirrel pedestrian bridge (those things we've been duped into calling power lines, phone cables, etc.)? The criss-crossing of streets with these ubiquitous bridges in cities throughout America is merely the most visible sign of the squirrel conspiracy. The motives, extent, and influence of the conspiracy are not yet known, but it has been verified that not all squirrels are members. Witness the occasional dead squirrel on the road, often right next to a squirrel pedestrian bridge. This poor squirrel was obviously not a member, and non-members are barred from using the bridges. What other explanation for this phenomenon could there be? We know from this that the squirrel conspiracy will ruthlessly punish those who oppose them, since risking death by car is preferable to risking the wrath of the conspiracy. Hard data is hard to come by (hence the name), but we're relatively certain that the squirrel conspiracy's North American headquarters is in or near Mt. Juliet, Tennessee. It is speculated that they may be involved in experiments to genetically engineer a race of warrior squirrels, unafraid to attack unsuspecting motorists (see footnote 1). 3. A squadept is a squirrel adept. It is speculated that squadepts are used to manipulate human engineers into building squirrel pedestrian bridges and miniature computers; they are the primary means used by the squirrel conspiracy to control humans. The existence of rogue squadepts is unconfirmed, but psychic vampire squirrels may be the conspiracy's way of dealing with rogue squadepts -- the metaphysical equivalent of the infamous killer squirrel death squads.
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